はたけ・カカシ 「HATAKE KAKASHI」 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ura_no_ura) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
one_long_mission2013-04-12 03:18 am
ura_no_ura) wrote in one_long_mission2013-04-12 03:18 am
[closed] eyes i dare not meet in dreams
This is a strange way to die, Kakashi thinks, when he opens his eyes and sees --
The memory of war, bodies swinging from trees. Broken, half-buried in the cold, inviolable earth, too many children who'd tasted blood before the sweetness of sake or their first kiss. And Obito who stands in judgment with a mouth full of hate, telling Kakashi to shut up and die like the trash that he is.
Trash who couldn't even bother to keep the promise that he made as Obito lay dying under a rock meant for him.
A strange way to die, indeed, with all the stars blotted out by clouds, shadows drinking up every surface, swallowing up the light. And here, a warm rain of blood and Obito's scarred face floating before Kakashi's eyes. One moment there, and the next gone, and Kakashi wonders what strange place this is that Obito's sent him to die, a land flooded with frigid water that runs red when Kakashi collapses forward into the slow, muddy flow.
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It was good, that Kakashi didn't push him away, because he intended to stay there for while longer, to just soak in the sense of calm that Kakashi had always managed to let him feel when he wasn't being a complete asshole and causing the opposite. A dichotomy, sure, but that's just how Kakashi was, most of the time.
He couldn't stay like that forever though, and finally lifted his head, peeking at his face to see how he was taking this whole.... clingy hug thing.]
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But he couldn't possibly push Obito away. Couldn't possibly put distance between them when he knows that it's only a matter of time when the truth will be what splits them apart. When he knows Obito will most likely turn on him again, want to cut him down.
And maybe it's selfish and wrong that he's letting this happen, but he's held onto Obito for so many years, he doesn't know how to let go.
He glances down to meet Obito's gaze quietly, hand shifting from the nape of his neck to settle on his shoulder and gives it a gentle squeeze. ]
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And he knew that Kakashi had no such skill. So, after a long moment, he untangled enough to bring an arm up, ever so gently bringing his fingertips across Kakashi's visible eye, brushing it closed, resting them there. His voice was almost gentle, fond and amused.]
I'm sorry I made you so sad. That's never what I wanted.
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It's hard, looking at Obito like this, so close that Kakashi can make out all the scars carved into his face and down his neck -- and most likely the entire right side of his body, knowing that they belong as much to him as they belong to Obito. Though he never felt their pain, never suffered through the healing and the unveiling, it was his fault they were even there. His fault that Obito had to be the one to carry them, this burden he never deserved.
But then, fate was always a cruel mistress. ]
I'm fine.
[ The words come out as easily as they always do, though there's a raw edge to them, even as Kakashi tries to reel back the parts of him that had unraveled at the sight of Obito. Tries to cut himself back into the image of something Obito would recognize. Something stoic and cold. A silhouette of control. ]
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No, you're not. I won't apologize anymore, since it's another me, and you probably don't want it anyway, right? But you're not okay. I didn't forget what you said when you got here, how you looked, that you were hurt more than just... just this.
[He moved the arm still caught in a loose hug, tracing a path of one of the wounds that had been there, to rest over his heart.]
I was just a little slow again, figuring out how it worked and why, that's all, but I've caught up, in that at least, okay?
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Don't apologize. The actions of... [ a breath, a pause, a measure of words ] the other you, I suppose... weren't yours. And even if they were... [ another pause as Kakashi tries to keep his tone even] ... I wouldn't be able to blame you entirely for them...
It's my responsibility.
[ Kakashi's not sure how to respond to just how affectionate, how tactile Obito seems to be, but then, he's lived all these years believing Obito lived on inside him, so maybe this shouldn't be surprising. ]
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[He tapped his fingers over Kakashi's heart, gentle before he rested his palm there.]
This needs tending too, so you can go ahead and be responsible for that other me, the one who hurt you so much, when you were probably already hurt. But. I'm not him. I'm Uchiha Obito, that guy who pulled through, and has been through some bad times with his best friend, Hatake Kakashi, but isn't going anywhere.
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But, he doesn't deserve this.
Not Obito's smile, not his kindness, not any of it.
He raises his hand and slowly curls his fingers around Obito's wrist and pulls Obito's hand away from his chest. ]
Obito...
[ He begins slowly.
(This is the end.) ]
There's something you need to know...
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That meant it was probably pretty bad.]
Yeah?
1/?
[ Kakashi tries to begin, but it's almost impossible to get the words out, because how do you tell this boy with so much light in his eyes, this boy who calls you his best friend that you went and put your fist through the chest of the girl that he loved? Took her heart with it, in the most merciless of ways and watched the light go out in her eyes? How do you put into words how much you wish you never had? ]
2/3
And maybe he'll cut you down right here.
Maybe you were brought to this world just so another Obito can cut you down again. Maybe that is the kind of fate your Obito has consigned you to: a reality where you will forever be tormented by an endless number of Obitos who all eventually want you dead.
But you can't keep this from him.
After all, he'd find out one way or another.
And what he deserves is the truth.
Not from anyone else, but from you. ]
3/4
I couldn't... I couldn't keep my promise. I couldn't... protect Rin.
[ And see that's just the half of it.
Kakashi can't bear to see the expression on Obito's face so he doesn't look, keeps his eye trained instead on a spot on Obito's chest and just keeps talking. Speaking words he spoke to cold, wet stone fifteen years ago.
But it's not easy, this confession.
Finding the right words is the easy part. ]
I... Rin was--
I didn't have a choice. [ He swallows, thickly, and lets out a slow, shuddering breath. ] I was forced to neutralize--
[ No.
That is not the right word.
Neutralize is not what he did.
He did not neutralize an enemy.
He filled his fist full of lightning and he drove it right through Rin's chest and held her heart in his hand until it stopped beating.
(Sometimes it's all he can smell -- the memory of burning.
Of blood.
Of her.) ]
I killed her.
4/4
No amount of apologizing can ever bring her back.
But he does it anyway, like he has for the past sixteen years. He bows his head and tries to control the tremble that goes through his frame, straight to his fingertips. Tries to swallow down the violent emotion that comes screaming up like one thousand birds shrieking through the air. ]
I'm so sorry... I was the trash that... in the end, couldn't protect...
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But... he got it. The second he heard the word Rin leave his lips he understood and it made him tense, his entire body filling with tension as he realized that Kakashi intended to keep going, to explain. He didn't need to explain.
He understood too well, and he's used to sharing this pain, not seeing it carried alone, and it's so very bitter to realize that no matter what it is, she still... she still wasn't someone who could be saved, and she'd still hurt them. It just seemed that she hurt them both so much worse for Kakashi, because the unbearable why wouldn't have had any supporting hands.
There were no shoulders to cry on or senseis to stroke that man's hair, or the gritty closeness to bring clarity. So he understood, and didn't want to, but an apology? He'd never allow that. Not for this, never for this.
So his hand moved, pressing over Kakashi's mouth with his palm and shaking his head sharply, voice a little brittle, a little hard, but it wasn't because of Kakashi.]
Stop. Rin is. I don't want to hear about Rin. Just. She's dead, so we can leave her dead. There's no protecting her, there's no understanding the situation so just. Just don't. Never ever apologize for her to me.
Okay? I can't forgive her, but I forgive you.
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I forgive you.
And Kakashi looks up in surprise, eye widened in something like shock and confusion because of all things to expect, forgiveness was certainly not one of them. Anger like fire and grief so deep you can drown in it. Blood filled with killing intent. This and more was what he had thought would surely, surely have occurred; that this Obito would finish the job the Obito of his world had started.
But instead, Obito says he forgives Kakashi.
(I can't forgive her, but I forgive you.)
And Kakashi almost doesn't recognize him for a moment, because the Obito he knew would never say I don't want to hear about Rin. Because to him, Rin was everything. Even Kakashi had seen it back then, Obito's awkwardness around her, his lingering gazes, the way he'd snap out of daydream suddenly and cast a surreptitious look her way with a blush on his cheeks. He was always being drawn to her, turning towards her like a flower towards the sun. Kakashi used to think it was sort of stupid and even a little nauseating, but that was before he understood anything about the world because he was too busy memorizing rules and trying to follow them.
He doesn't understand the anger and hurt in Obito's eyes, because it isn't directed at him.
(She's dead, so we can leave her dead.)
But why?
I don't understand, he wants to say, but Obito's got a hand over his mouth so all Kakashi can do is search Obito's eyes for answers. ]
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On my first mission back on duty, we were all out in the field together. [He had to pause, because it always hurt to say, some niggling pain in his chest that made him wish she hadn't done that trying to silence him. To convince him it had just been some mistake. He didn't think that would ever go away, and his voice was very hushed, barely audible at all when he continued.]
She tried to kill me.
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The light going out of Rin's eyes and just how fucking impossible everything was in the end.
And now, how impossible everything has become.
Really, he shouldn't even question possibilities when this very impossible thing is happening right now, as unbelievable and as incredible as it might seem. That Kakashi's more or less come to accept that this is somehow happening either demonstrates just how a word like impossible should never exist in the language of shinobi, or is evidence of the fact that he's gone completely batshit insane.
He's not sure which is more likely.
Kakashi's eyebrows pinch together as he reaches up and slowly pulls Obito's hand down, keeping his fingers wrapped around the younger man's slender wrist, studying the hurt that flickers across his face. This isn't easy for Obito, talking about it. Remembering it. And how could it be?
Rin, Obito's Rin, sweet Rin whose eyes crinkled up so brightly when she smiled, who always smelled of lavender and the cool breeze that blew through the meadows of Konoha during spring; whose small, gentle hands worked so expertly and diligently to patch up wounds; whose laughter sounded like bells -- his Rin (who never belonged to Kakashi, never possibly could) came at Obito with killing intent and Kakashi probably put a hand right through her to stop her.
Grief beyond words at such a betrayal.
It takes Kakashi a moment to respond, and he slowly nods his understanding, letting out a quiet exhale. ]
I see.
[ And he does see, can picture it far too clearly.
Kakashi sees it in slow motion, Rin coming at Obito with killing intent, but in the end Kakashi's hand still ends up through her chest.
In any scenario, in any world, it seems Kakashi is always killing Rin.
The irony of that certainly isn't lost upon him. ]
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For someone as social as Obito, it had started to wear on him very quickly. So, he didn't say anything else, just turning his hand in Kakashi's grip without breaking it so he was holding onto the now-older nin's wrist too.]
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But really, no words can undo the past, and Kakashi knows far too well just how useless words can be. Especially his own. He was never good with them, always failing when it mattered most. And so he knows, nothing he says can possibly make it better when the wound goes far too deep. The memory, too strong.
Grief can be crippling.
But memory -- it's memory that hurts far worse.
Memory can kill, if you're not careful. It rises up from the shadows when you least expect it, and drags its claws across your throat.
Kakashi doesn't know what Obito is feeling now, but he does know this: he never wants Obito to hurt again.
Giving Obito's wrist a gentle tug, he pulls the younger man towards him, wrapping his arms around him once more. This, at least, Kakashi can do, even if he doesn't have the right words.
Even if all he can say is this: ]
I'll never let anyone hurt you again.
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But he wanted to try anyway? He made a little noise that probably wanted to be a laugh but ended up being a sob instead, and he just leaned into him, letting the old hurt well up, just... just for a minute as he pressed his face against cloth, his hands coming up to curl in material, taking the moment, because he couldn't not.
He missed things being okay.
His voice, when he spoke, was thick and soft, caught on the tears.]
Isn't time supposed to make things better?
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The minutes drag into hours, days, years. And not a second passes that Kakashi doesn't remember, doesn't feel the weight of the rocks in the distance, smell the burning of flesh, the largeness of the space in his life that used to be filled by his father, Obito, Rin, Sensei. By all of the ones lost and buried and carved into the stone of heroes and legends, only to be forgotten by everyone but Kakashi who held onto those names, to those memories and moments and the ghosts of his past because he had nothing else to close his hands around.
Time doesn't fade, but only sharpens the outlines of those ghosts, those memories. Sometimes he loses himself in it. Sometimes he never wants to find his way back.
Kakashi doesn't know how to tell Obito that time doesn't makes things better.
It only dulls the ache. And that's only if you're one of the lucky ones.
So instead, he says nothing at all, simply drawing Obito closer as he lets his hand run down the younger man's back in a fashion that he hopes is soothing. Comfort isn't something Kakashi knows how to give very well. Gai was always better at this, saying all the right words and knowing how to give the right amount of affection to ease the pain.
He can only hope this helps a little -- holding Obito and murmuring a soft shhh as he gently rubs his back. ]
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Then again, he doubted that anyone wanted that. He could feel that his thoughts were scattered, trying to find another topic that wasn't the previous one as he leaned more and more into the taller, and how was that fair? man's form, eyes staying closed. He was so tired. He hadn't been able to sleep while Kakashi had been hurt, and he'd had a long day before that, still waking too easily in this new place. Waking in an empty building most nights didn't help given that he supposedly had a roommate.]
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For as long as Obito needs him, Kakashi won't let go.
Because this is as much for Obito as it is for him. ]